Have been Mr. Single for a while
Got no females in a square mile
Already have calluses in my hands
Too much masturbation no one withstands

Now and then I try a household device
But even that won’t suffice
Got myself so delirious
That my neighbor’s goat looks kind of vicious

The other day I whacked off with a plunger
Almost got me a penile puncture

I’m so happy, ohhh

Even brought my proctologist appointment ahead
And stuck my dick in a banana bread
All I wanted was a happy fornication
But chicks don’t dig me ‘cause of my genital malformation

Went down to the bar to get intoxicated
Met some broads and got animated
Spotted a girl and we drank ‘til late
End up trying to rise the birth rate

Next morning I had a huge hangover
Still I wish I wasn’t sober!
Liquor doesn’t teach you to spot a transvestite
Thought her name was Rita but no, it was Yosemite!